haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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