I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize