Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
