Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
