Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
