bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
