Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
