Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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