She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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