I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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