im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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