I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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