Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
