he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
