wakey wakey hands off snakey
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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