who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
