He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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