guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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