Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize