she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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