Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
