My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
we're so committed to being not committed
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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