She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize