Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
