Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
4 words: hood of his car
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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