I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
No subtext here. People are naked.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
