Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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