So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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