you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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