Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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