in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
