So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
