Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
