Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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