that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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