shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize