He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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