Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
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