...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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