he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
