I will die if light touches me.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
