god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
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