It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
