Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize