i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
