your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
