I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
