I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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