Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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