OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
