I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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