I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize