dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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