i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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