After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
