I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
