she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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