UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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