she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
