My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
