running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
