If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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