I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
