dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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