Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
try to milk me bitch
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