There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
