Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
